My dad was born a day after England won the World Cup in 1966 – that’s how long it has been since England played in a major final. I remember the Seaman lob, the Rooney stamp, the Wally with the Brolly, Lampard’s ghost goal, Iceland, oh so many penalties… I’ve seen us lose a lot. I don’t know if we’ll win tonight. I’d give everything for us to do it, but I’m so, so proud of them for reaching their first final in 55 years. So screw it, here’s every England squad member as a Pokemon.
Jordan Pickford – Tyranitar
Tiny arms, innit? Good player though.
Sam Johnstone – Shuckle
He’s difficult to get past, I hope. We haven’t seen Johnstone at all in this tournament with Pickford between the sticks, and when Henderson (and possibly Pope) are back, we likely won’t see him again.
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Aaron Ramsdale – Pelipper
When you’re the third choice keeper, you’re the water carrier. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. Ramsdale isn’t even third choice either; he’s fifth, with Dean Henderson and Nick Pope injured. My hands are tied here.
Luke Shaw – Crobat
You can only get a Crobat from a Golbat with high friendship, and Luke Shaw’s the kind of lad that needs great man management to succeed. Luckily, Southgate and OGS are a helluva lot better at it than Mourinho.
Harry Maguire – Conkeldurr
Slabhead might as well be the Pokemon that walks around with two giant slabs, right? Also a huge physical presence, with Maguire barely putting a foot wrong since he came back from injury.
John Stones – Rampardos
Rampardos is known for his rock hard head, and while I’m still not sure how he didn’t just nod it in against Scotland, Stones has been immense in the air all tournament.
Kyle Walker – Regieleki
Even in a team loaded with lightning youngsters, the experienced legs of Kyle Walker are still the quickest. Do I think it’s right that Walker’s the only Legendary here? Not really, but it’s not my fault Regileki is the fastest Pokemon, is it?
Kieron Trippier – Chikorita
Trippier is an OG, one of Southgate’s original picks, so it makes sense that he’s a starter. Given that he’s not universally popular and is severely underrated, Chikorita makes sense too.
Tyrone Mings – Snorlax
Mings proved impossible to get past at the start of the tournament, but now that Maguire’s back, someone’s played the PokeFlute and he’s shifted.
Reece James – Staravia
The Starly line is strange, because you think it's just going to be another Route 1 bird kept around purely for sentimental reasons, then it evolves into one of your big hitters. After shining in the Champions League final, James struggled against Scotland and hasn’t been seen since. Needs to level up a bit more for that final evolution.
Ben Chilwell – Weezing
I love Chilwell, but the only thing he’s done all tournament is have a chat with Billy Gilmour and nearly catch Covid.
Ben White – Bellossom
Ben White’s in the squad as Trent Alexander-Arnold’s replacement, and he’s right at the back of the queue for players waiting to get on the pitch. Feels harsh to say he’s there as a cheerleader, but…
Connor Coady – Gengar
The two things Gengar is known for are being infectiously happy, and turning invisible. Coady is a great character, but he’s cover for the back three system we’ve only deployed once. Be honest, you’d forgotten he was in the squad.
Kalvin Phillips – Espeon
The Yorkshire Pirlo reads minds. He knows when England players are making runs, he knows when to step out and pick up the ball, and knows when to drop deep and cover. He knows when to squeeze and when to get the game breathe, and his vision is phenomenal. He reads minds, there’s no other explanation.
Declan Rice – Umbreon
Phillips’ partner in crime, Rice is the darker side of the duo. Phillips isn’t afraid to put a foot in (and Rice can pick a pass), but he’s the more combative half of this metronomic partnership.
Mason Mount – Ditto
Whatever role you want done, Mount will do it. He’s not quite the utility man that James Milner was, but being able to play across the front, out wide, leading the midfield, or sitting deep makes him an invaluable member of the starting 11.
Jordan Henderson – Exploud
Henderson’s pretty damn loud. Injury forced him to sit out the early games before Phillips and Rice proved undroppable. Still, ever the leader, you’ll always hear Henderson communicating during his cameo appearances or just shouting from the bench.
Jude Bellingham – Dratini
Bellingham is our youngest ever Euros player, turning 18 during the tournament. Like Dratini, he’s already an impressive technician, and very enthusiastic. In a few years time, he’ll be an unstoppable Dragonite. Just don’t make him play in a blizzard.
Raheem Sterling – Gyarados
Two goals in his first 45 England games are Magikarp stats. 15 in 22 since then shows Sterling’s evolution. What’s that? Gyarados likes to dive too? Don’t be cheeky now.
Bukayo Saka – Rapidash
Not just that he’s fast (though he is), or in red-hot form (again, true), but because the resounding image from the tournament has been Saka jumping into the pool on an inflatable unicorn. If he scores the winner tonight, let’s make it into a statue outside Wembley.
Jack Grealish – Dragapult
Dragapult is the new kid on the block, making its debut in Galar, and instantly establishing itself as one of Pokemon’s most exciting stars. While Grealish doesn’t start – owing to tactical inflexibility and defensive weaknesses, which rings true of Dragapult also – he’s an extremely exciting talent in the squad to freshen things up. When Grealish drifts across the pitch to let runners overlap, there’s more than a passing similarity to Dragapult sending its younglings out to attack.
Phil Foden – Scraggy
New hair don’t care. Everyone in this England squad seems impossibly nice, especially compared to some of the egos we’ve had previously, so it seems harsh to compare one of them to ‘the Hoodlum Pokemon’. Still, if you dye your hair blonde and shave a slit in your eyebrow, there’s really only one Pokemon for you.
Harry Kane – Greninja
Specifically, Ash’s Greninja. There aren’t any superlatives left for our captain, he’s come alive when it mattered most and is peaking at just the right time. You wouldn’t bet against him having his best game of the tournament tonight.
Jadon Sancho – Kekleon
Far be it from me to question Southgate’s team selection, but with how few minutes Sancho, a top-five player in this world in his position, has gotten, it feels like he’s invisible. Southgate’s going to pick Saka against Italy, and after the tournament the Arsenal winger has had, who can blame him? Still, Sancho seems doomed to be overlooked here.
Marcus Rashford – Maractus
One, it sounds like Marcus. Two, you always think Maractus is going to evolve, and then it doesn’t. Rashford has been expected to grow into an out-and-out forward his entire career, but he’s actually doing just fine as a winger that cuts inside, thanks.
Dominic Calvert-Lewin – Lucario
Lucario is strong, fast, and blue, but competitively, he’s in the UU tier; that stands for Under Used. Calvert-Lewin is coming off the back of a great season, but with England only playing central striker, he’s struggled for minutes. With how England has grown into the tournament, you can’t blame Southgate for his team selection, but it feels a little harsh on DCL all the same.
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