It has come to my attention that not everybody loves Sylveon. This, quite simply, will not stand. I happened upon this discovery when, quite correctly, Pokemon Unite decided the Eeveelution it was adding to the game would be the gorgeous Fairy ‘mon with the ribbon garland. Amongst some other editors here – I won’t name names, but he wants to get rid of the fish Pokemon and replace them with a turkey, so you know he can’t be trusted – there was outrage.
Specifically, outrage that Umbreon was being overlooked. In a way, I sympathise. It’s baffling that Unite launched with no Gen 2 ‘mon in its roster, but now that Blissey’s there, Umbreon can whistle for it.
Related: Does Everyone Hate Pichu?
Our esteemed social media guru Trevor then did his own ranking and, in a personal attack on me, placed Sylveon last. Being a social media guru, Trevor is particularly adept at making juicy, juicy content, so he opened up the rankings to our other editors and staffers. Sylveon, repeatedly, placed low. You might be thinking ‘why should I care about the internal goings on at TheGamer? Get back to writing those articles we all universally praise in the Facebook comments!’ but a) were you not listening? Sylveon was last. This is fireable behavior, and b) it actually concerns you all directly, because Trevor then took this juicy, juicy content and shared it with you all, opening up the floor to all of our followers. You can check out the results below.
I’m not entirely sure what to make of this. On the one hand, Sylveon is a respectable third, which is considerably better than the eighth and ninth place finishes it was repeatedly racking up from our staff. On the other, Sylveon isn’t top, so this is false. Even worse, Umbreon, the nemesis that started this entire drama, takes home the gold. For reference, you can see my own ranking below.
As you’ll no doubt notice immediately, mine is 100 percent correct. Sylveon is top, because it’s the best, followed by Eevee, from whom all Eeveelutions are born. Espeon, the long time top dog – Eevee’s a dog, right? – before Sylveon, settles for bronze, and slimy Vape with the special shiny is fourth. I should point out that Umbreon and upwards are all great Pokemon. They’re good dogs, Brent. Flareon is kinda great. Leafy and Glacie are meh, and they aren’t redeemed at all by their shinies, which turn them from green and blue to a slightly different green and a slightly different blue respectively.
I will say that collectively, you’re all kind of right. Swap Eevee for Umbreon, and you can toss a blanket over it. Imagine a world where Eevee’s in your S rank, and Umbreon in your C. We’d then have the same top three, the same middle three, and the same bottom three – each three would just be in slightly the wrong order. Unfortunately, we don’t live in that world, so you’re all kinds of wrong.
Also, while flipping the order on Jolty and Vape is excusable, you can Shuppet up your Arceus if you think Flareon is worse than Leafy and Glacie. I got a lot of flak for placing Flareon so low, but it would still be a contender for my top 25 percent of Pokemon – Leafy and Glacie wouldn’t even make the top half.
What I assume happened is that, like me, you all think Flareon is pretty okay, so it consistently placed mid to low. With Leafy and Glacie, however, some of the contrarians out there know these two uninspiring ‘mons are the worst of the bunch, and therefore put them top. People voted for Coldplay and listen to the Nazis, after all.
Leafeon is just ‘What is Eevee was Bayleef but bad’, and while Glaceon isn’t exactly a copy of an existing Pokemon, it feels like it doesn’t quite explore how cool (geddit?) an Ice Pokemon can be in the way say, Froslass does.
All in all, I’d give you a C+, or as I call it, an Umbreon. Next one needs to be a Fighting Eevee called Champeon, yeah? You can have that one for free, Nintendo.
Next: Why Does Pokemon Keep Doing Heracross So Dirty?
