Welcome to Game Company! After briefly glancing at hundreds of job applications and occasionally downloading the portfolios we require people to send, we’ve decided you’d be the perfect candidate for your dream job in the video game industry! And by “dream job,” we mean nightmarish journey into a corporate minefield run by absolute monsters!
Don’t get us wrong – we know things haven’t been perfect! This year, we at Game Company were shocked to learn for the first time ever that a tiny group of hundreds of employees have felt harassed, abused, and dismissed during their time here. If only someone had told us earlier, we could have changed our corporate environment to be more welcoming and inclusive to all men in upper management! Everyone should be treated the same, whether they sexually harassed a co-worker in an alcohol-filled hotel room named after a famous rapist or are just covering for someone who did.
Related: If The Activision Blizzard Lawsuit Shocks You, You Haven't Been Paying AttentionAfter reading countless complaints about abuse, bullying, and bigotry, we at Game Company came to a conclusion: We need to suss out who made these complaints so we can ice them out of their own projects until they quit. And while our lawyers were busy doing that, we came to another conclusion: Our company culture has to change, all the way up to the top. That’s why we’re investing in a series of inclusion seminars for our board of directors at a resort in Cancun. After all, we don’t pay our CEO tens of millions of dollars a year to just ignore workers’ needs! Note: Employees may Zoom in to the seminar, but are required to use PTO.
Another way we plan on making Game Company more fair and equitable is by changing up our Human Resources department. One consistent complaint we’ve received is that it seems like the HR department works more for our company than it does for our employees. This is absolutely not true. Our HR department has gone out of its way to protect employees, especially ones accused of things by other employees. And would one of our HR executives have been at one of the harassment parties if they didn’t care about employees being harassed?
We did not and do not intend our HR department to become a corporate arm of Game Company. We only intend our HR department to be cartoonishly incompetent in a way that gives the illusion of openness to change without having to actually do anything. This is a promise to all our employees: from now on, HR will no longer protect executives, it will only say it missed and/or lost emails with screen caps of abuse for plausible deniability.
While we can’t address every complaint since there isn’t enough time in the Sun’s lifespan to read them all, we are taking these allegations seriously – a thing that’s easier to type than actually taking the allegations seriously. We are horrified by what we’re hearing. This isn’t simply who we are, who we’ve been for decades, and who we were until maybe two weeks ago. We have to change with the times because as times change, so must our methods of protecting senior staff.
At the end of the day, overwhelming evidence aside, we’re just a game company that wants to do what’s right for the community, fans, and employees alike. Our developers are some of the most creative, hard working people in the industry. Every day, Game Company employees create incredible art that delights the mind and the senses, so it shouldn’t be a big deal if we pretty much leave it to them to solve a corporate-level crisis as we drag our feet at every step.
With all that said, welcome to the new brighter, happier, and temporarily more inclusive Game Company! You’ll be working on some of our biggest franchises with some of our most Teflon senior designers. Hoo boy, if you loved our games before, wait until your friends ask, “What’s it like to work for your dream company?” and you have to push through gritted teeth, “It’s tough but fun.” Because isn’t a little fun all we’re here for? Exactly. Thank you for taking the job and signing our multiple NDAs. We know you’ll enjoy working here just as much as we do as long as your personality type is “nerdy Patrick Bateman.”
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