Rumor has it that the wizards at Nintendo have finally cracked the code on making original Game Boy and Game Boy Color games run on the Switch, and hoo boy are we excited. Or, at least, I am – a person who’s never owned one of hundreds of portable devices, legitimate and not, on which I can already play Game Boy games. Perish the thought.
However, as we all brace ourselves for the inevitable glut of one to three Game Boy games every two months, we should start thinking about the games we’re excited to see coming to the platform. Mario Land? Yeah. Pokemon? You bet. Tetris? Don’t wait up for me, mom! All those classics you loved and more are definitely coming to the Switch.
Related: Nintendo Switch Online's First Game Boy Game Should Be Tomb Raider
Eventually.
Probably.
But since we know a whole lot of bad is coming to fill the gaps, let’s not do the top ten Game Boy games we want to see because that’s not gonna happen. Instead, let’s look at the top ten nightmare games we don’t want coming to the Switch but somehow probably will. These aren’t all the worst games on the Game Boy or Game Boy Color – not by a long shot. But these are the ones that I’m kind of actually afraid will pop up and make us all so, so, so sad.
Mortal Kombat
I paid allowance money for this game. But to be fair, it is a lot like Mortal Kombat in that the box says Mortal Kombat and the manual contains some backstory for actual Mortal Kombat games. This is less of a fighting game and more of a challenge to push random buttons to see if Sub-Zero will do something visually similar to the actual thing he does in the real game. It’s pure excitement if you’ve been cursed to experience time at a slower speed and certain to hit the service in the first few weeks.
Hatris
It’s like Tetris, but with hats! So if you love hats, and you love Tetris, there is Hatris. I don’t have much more to give you.
Complete Infogenius Productivity Pack: Berlitz French Translator
Okay, so being completely honest, this probably won’t come to the Nintendo Switch. The Berlitz license is just too big to nail down for something as simple as a Game Boy collection. Can you imagine? They’d need to drop millions and that’s just for the French one. Berlitz had lots of stunning Game Boy games that were like books, but slower and worse.
Shrek: Fairy Tale Freakdown
I don’t know how you mess up a Shrek fighting game. Then again, I don’t know how you mess up a Mortal Kombat fighting game, but here we are.
Star Wars: Yoda Stories
The original Yoda Stories on PC was kinda cool. It had randomly generated levels and stuff. It wasn’t, like, deep or anything. And it wasn’t quite what we’d consider a roguelite today, but it was neat. Like, you know. It was alright.
In an age of Chip’s Challenge, it was fine. Because it was basically Star Wars Chip’s Challenge.
But the Game Boy Color version? Oh, you were in for the opposite of a treat. A limited amount of levels. Worse controls. It doesn’t quite make sense. It’s been called the worst Star Wars game ever made, and for pretty good reason: It’s the worst Star Wars game ever made.
It’ll hit the service by week three.
Dogz
All I know about Dogz is that you raise Dogz and it was always available at every video game store. You want me to raise some fucking dogs, Nintendo? You want me to love the shit out of a cute pup who will only know me as its digital god? Get me a new Nintendogs.
Why am I mad in this section?
Anyway, you know this game is coming. Outside of Alleyway, I feel like this one has a chance of hitting the Switch and all of us being genuinely confused.
Heiankyo Alien
This is actually a good game and an error on my part adding to the list. I apologize.
Alleyway
Alleyway was one of the first games I owned on the Game Boy. I put in hours, man. Hours. Because I was six years old and couldn’t pick up on the fact that Mario jumping into a Breakout paddle at the start of a game meant it was just a game of Breakout. It’s not even that good a version of Breakout. It’s just Breakout. Not even Arkanoid. Arkanoid tried. Arkanoid wanted us to be there. Alleyway doesn’t care. It’s just Breakout.
All joking aside, when Game Boy games hit the service, this probably really will be one of them.
Dance Dance Revolution GB
I know you think this would be cool to have on the system but trust me as a man who imported it, it’s not. Yes, I recognize that a lot of the games on this list are ones I owned myself. At the same time, isn’t that better? Wouldn’t you want that from me? I could just scan a bunch of old “Worst Game Boy Game” articles and find material. I’m giving you hard truths here.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. It’s a rhythm game, which I know we all love, but it’s a bad one. And the arrangements are bad. And I paid money for it.
Austin Powers: Welcome to My Underground Lair!
This is an Austin Powers game designed to look like an evil version of Windows 95. Whether Nintendo puts this game on the Switch or not, we win.
Next: Let’s Do The Time Loop Again
